I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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