you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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