Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
