So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
