Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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