I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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