and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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