Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
high people should be assigned attendants
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
