I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
