At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
