Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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