Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
