Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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