Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
