i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
