Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
