Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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