It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
