I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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