Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
