After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
