I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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