I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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