Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
