I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
