Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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