He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
