You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
