Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
