Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I love having hate sex.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
