I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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