We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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