New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
