I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
