that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
