you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
