mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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