i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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