I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
