Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
