what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
