My girlfriend figured out who you are.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My cat gives me a boner
cat food counts as protein by the way
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
