Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
