I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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