Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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