Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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