I am in a vortex of obligation.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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