hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
