I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
