No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
