mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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