My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have aggressive nipples.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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