Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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