Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
